well, i'm on my period. so i'm in a very shitty shitty shitty mood. i feel so exhausted! and actually, i feel bad that i even got my period, and i hat that. i hate how i decide how well i'm doing on my period. it's terrible right? yeah, i know it is, but i cant help it.
so today, i've only had an apple. and i feel guilty about it. i could have said 'NO' when my dad asked me. and at first, i did say no. i wanted to say no. but then, i thought about it and apples help with bloating. so i ate it, hoping that it would help with the bloating, but i still feel absolutely guilty about accepting it when i had control and when i wanted to say no. i dont know how i feel about the guilt. but there's nothing i can do now.
i finished NEW MOON today. for about the third time. and yet, i STILL cried, sobbed really. i HATE feeling weak. it never ceases to make me bawl. and i dont understand. i cry at the happy part when they are finally together in her room. whenever he talks to her, i cry. it really makes no sense to me. and probably, it doesnt make sense to anyone else. ughh, it's so frustrating! why do i bawl like a baby when i KNOW what's going to happen? i dont even know. he doesnt say anything sad or mean or anything that should make me cry! but it does. hmmm... how sad for me. reading it time and time again, and still bawling, doesnt make much sense.
i just lit a cigarette on my stove. haha. how sad. and then, i had to book it outside to smoke it. HA.
i really need to clean my room, but i dont really have the drive to clean it. how annoying. it's just the starting part that's hard, after that, it's not really an issue.

I'M JUST SO DAMN TIRED.

GM was going really good. until i binged, of course. i ate these apple crisp things. two bowls of cereal. and pizza. i'm so very pissed at myself. i think i'm going to go and purge in like 2 minutes. i cant stop binging, so i have to purge in order to lose this stupid weight. until i can control myself.
i'm fucking huge. i'm watching the degrassi where emma becomes ana. i really like it. good thinspo. :]
ughhh! i really want a boyy, just to feel loved. i cant have one though. i mean, even if a guy liked me i probably wouldnt let him near me, because otherwise he would feel my fat rolls, and that's a very sad situation. flkdjasflj
i hope that everyone else is doing okay. i really need cigarettes, but i dont know where to go to get them. i mean, i could ask someone, but i'm sort of afraid to. i'm always shy when i ask people to buy me cigarettes.

DONT GET ME WRONG I LOVE THE PEOPLE IN 24/7 BUT IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME ANYMORE!
SO IF YOU WANT MORE SUPPPORT THEN JOIN THINSPORT! ITS SO GREAT! I LOVE IT AND THE PEOPLE!
http://community.livejournal.com/thinsporrt/

SERIOUSLY, IT'S GREAT.
JUST CHECK IT OUT, YEAH.
=D

i ate so god damn much that it hurts everywhere. my head. my neck. my stomach. my fingers. my toes. it all fucking hurts. i hate christmas. my mom made me go to a party with all of HER friends where all i could do was stand there awkwardly and occasionally talk to an adult who thought i was some crazy teenager who might as well have been incompetent. so fuck you, mom. i do everything to make you happy and you give me shit non stop. i tell you i'm tired, and you call me a lazy fuck. i'm over you so thank fucking jesus that you went to bed before 7 because i couldnt take you anymore. here i am trying to be perfect for you, doing everything i can and you fucking knit pick.

i was thinking today about all of the holidays. and most of them were you beating the shit out of my sister, or screaming. you cried a lot in my memories. i remember when you slapped my brother. and when my sister was at the BOTTOM of the god damn stairs you threw her months of hard work down the stairs at her head. they hit the target. and then she went to retrieve the rest of the envelopes, you ran down the stairs and kicked her. you FUCKING kicked her, because you thought she was attacking you.

of course, she was in the wrong most of the time, and i understand that. but she was a crazy fucking teen. you have no right to be a crazy fucking mom. or, that night at bloom when you did god knows what. i had to look away at that point. i didnt want to see you hurt anyoone else.

so you know what. shit like this, doesnt make me feel bad about starving myself. about my desperation to be perfect. and the sad thing is, i know that i will never be good enough. NEVER EVER.

okay out of my reverie now. i ate so much everything you could imagine. i feel like shit. i purged a little bit. all that shit about my mom isnt true. i mean, the stuff about my sister is, but i dont hate her. i love her. she's very selfless but she has this crazy-ass selfish side that really needs to die. that's the small part of her i resent it. i hate all of the holidays. i really do. and i dont care how bad that makes me sound.

tomorrow i think i'm going to start GM. i need it with exercise too!

i'm incredibly terrified to weigh myself tomorrow. but i must. i will because i have to know how bad i am failing.

does anyone wanna talk?
cause if you do, we totally should.
:]

i really dont want to sleep.
i think that SHE may come to torment me again.
so, i force open my eye-lids made of lead and stare at the tv, now playing napolean dynamite. it is the part where he is dancing. i wil probably pee my pants.
so so so silly.

i was watching MULAN earlier and i totally have a crush on shang. i know, i'm a freak, right?

i think i wont have to hang out with my friends for a while, which is good. i can gain control. they make me eat.
and next semester i'm totally gonna focus so much on schoool and shit. like, clean my house all the time and be reclusive in my "quest for knowledge".
of course, it will be only for my ED, to have one place where i learn to control myself. mmmm how crazy am i?
never mind. i dont want to answer that. or think about it.

-what does it feel like to KNOW, beyond a doubt, that you are unloved and unwanted?
-Stopit.

agh. that was one brief glimpse into my dark and twisted mind. i'm sure it didnt make sense to anyone other than myself who may be reading this, and for that, i am very sorry.

ughhhh. my eyes ache with tiredness. they are dry and watering, but i really dont wanna sleep. it will either be HER telling me what i do NOT want to hear, or something else reminding me of what i do not posess.

i'm gonna go check the thinspo on youtube.

i'll probably write later.
<3

so, i'm watching this show on TLC, called "i eat 33,000 calories a day". and thhey have a guy who is like 700 pounds with like 50% body fat. he's the only one they have talked about so far. they spend $501 a day on food!
anyway, they keep showing all of these MORBIDLY OBESE people eating all of this food. and i'm going to be sick. they are eating greasy shit like chicken eggs and sausage.
this guy says he's in controll. he thinks he only eats 2000 calories. he only eats two meals but all of this junk food in between. holy shit. how the fuck can this guy think he is in control?! hes huge.
they just showed all of the shit he eats in a day. holy fuck it's so god damn much.
these obese people are KILLING themselves, and I'M stupid.
i hate how people automatically judge anorexics. i mean, look either way you have the chance of killing yourself. people accept obesity more than anorexia and i absolutely cant stand fucking america. die thin or die fucking fat, you choose. but damn, dont judge those who starve themselves, because they dont weigh 700 pounds. most people can fucking suck my dick.
it's common for people to be stuck in their house and have to be removed. they are specializingin it in the emergency field.
that's fucking retarded!!!!!!
what evver happened to the good old herooine addict?

1.PEANUT BUTTER-
IN EVERY POUND OF PEANUT BUTTER THERE ARE 150 BUG FRAGMENTS AND 5 RODENT HAIRS.

2.POP TARTS-
POP TARTS CONTAIN PORK GELATIN! NOT OKAY FOR VEGETARIANS LIKE MYSELF.

3.DORITO'S-
PROCESSED. GIVES YOU BAD BREATH AND CUTS YOUR TONGUE.

4.PEANUT M&M'S-
THEY LOOK LIKE RABBIT SHIT.

5. RECEESS PEANUT BUTTER CUPS-
CONTAIN PROCESSED PEANUT BUTTER (SEE #1)

hmmm, that's it for now.

SO. i've decided to post everything i eat on here. that way, i'll be so ashamed that i wont keep doing this.
also, if someone would like to leave comments on how fat i am that would help. and say that i've eaten too much and it's too fattening and that i'll never be perfect.. that would be very supportive.

so far today.
-graham crackers
-soy milk
-bread
-soup
-chips with hummus and salsa.

hmm....
someone PLEASE tell me EXACTLY how fat i am. i deffinately need to hear it from you guys.
ugghhh i hate myself.
please comment and tell me how gross i am.

i think i am just going to babble babble babble about nonesense right now. i'm sort of wanting to go get more food, so if i'm writing, i wont.
i love the twwilight books, though they make me sad, i read them like heroine.
:]
i'm watching the davinci code. and it's sort of funny how predictaable it is. of course, SHE would be the one living descendant of jesus christ. i mean, of all the people in france, europe, earth really. it is HER. that robert langdon should beffriend and pretty much fall in love with. absolutely ridiculous.

ugh i cut myself all over my hand yesterday and it burns. i'm going to tell my mom i broke a glass in the sink, i already smashed it. :]
i'll call her later complaining about it, ask for her aleve, you know. UGGHHH i'm so fucking full right now that it is ridiculous, i dont want to be full anymore, but my throat hurts so i dont want to purge because that will make my throat hurt more.
why can't i fucking control myself? i SHOULD be able to and i am still unsure as to why i cant. i want to be like audrey actually. she's a beautful kind of skinny. or maybe izzy?
AUDREY:
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=1501097&id=643249534&op=2&view=global&subj=622555619

OR ANY OF THESE GIRLS WOULD BE NICE:
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=1501093&id=643249534&op=2&view=global&subj=622555619


they are all quite skinny and i want to be like them, because they get away with whorish costumes, because they are quite hot in them, so no one will object.

i had some pretty fucked up dreams last night, that didnt go together, but sort of did.

the first was i was standing in a really bright place and SHE was yelling at me. telling me everything i cant have and how i have failed. how no one will love me until i'm beautiful like her. she had been wearing a beautiful nightie that looked expensive. it was white and sheer. her perfect frame fit elegantly into it.
i was freezing in jeans and a sweater. she constantly mocked my shivering mortality between her threats and curses. she's beautiful. she's got attitude, and grace with four inch stilettos and designer bags. she can chew the head off of any man she wants to and her eyes are icy blue. of course, her appearance changes everytime i see her, but one thing is always the same no matter what: she's everything i want to be.

now, my next dream was very very strange. i was at jamba juice with my friends and i had a really difficult time ordering my acai smoothie. all of my friends left and when i recieved it, it was a staartling electric blue color and tasted disgusting! then, my mother was there and her and i talked. i checked the time and it was 1 o'clock, so i ran back to school, a cross between my middle and high schools. and when i got there it was almost 4. i wandered around to nowhere. seeing tuttle-he was wearing a silly sweater with a red bow tie and i silly impish grin on his face-, daly-who was bigger than ever-, foley-more feline and repulsive than ever-, and so many otheres that made no sense. after a short time i checked my watch again and it was 5:43. i called joie and she said she was going to her dad's. it was a wednesday and i had been absent the whole week. i was very pissed at the world and i walked out through the doors and awoke.

i have figured out the secret to success. i must be numb to starve myself, and my failure lately is do to the fact that my heart has been awakened and restarted with a burning desire for love. it has been frozen for so long wanting nothing, needing nothing, but now that it had a desire that turned to need, i have failed.
i need back my ice encasing to succeed in what i need the absolute most.
the fire that courses through my veins is the reason for my failure.
last night i tried to achieve my numbness and apathy. it didnt work so well.
i just ate graham crackers and soymilk. knowing the secret is not i enough i need to figure out how to control it and manage it. control my mind to freeze my heart and blood again.
CONTROL IT.

i had lost six pounds. 
but now i think i've gained like three of itback...
i cant lose everythign...
not now, 
i HAVE to be perfect. 
i'm not good enough. 
i want a boy but i cant get one.
why?
because i'm not thin, like i need to be. 
i'm soooo sooo scared....
=[ 

 so far so good today. 
nothing to eat. 
(except one mint)
and lots of cooooolllllldddd water. 

okay, i can totally continue this fast. for the next 2-3 days. 
(my schedule is pretty unpredictable.)

woooh. 
so pumped for volleyball. 

but i guess i never really said my stats. 

5'4"
weight:133-ish. 
(sooooo huge i know!)
today i'm at: 131.2

by june 22(my sister's graduation.)
i wanna be 123. 

and my eventual goal weight is 95(so if i start eating again i'll gain ten lbs. and be about 105)