Fail!

I don't understand. I don't get it. Why is food so freaking important to people? It's disgusting! And having it forced down your throat makes it so much worse... I cannot stand people jumping in the middle of things and forcing me to eat.

This morning my mom and I were home together and she made me eat. Then she went to the store, my dad came home, and he made me eat! And I mean literally made me eat. WTF?!?!? I'm 22 years old for God's sake! And it couldn't be something healthy.... Oh no. It had to be full of fat and starch and calories! There's no way I'm going to be able to work it all off! YUCK! I was able to get rid of some of it, but not nearly enough.

Tomorrow I work a double, so I'll be at work all day. That means a full and total fast. And not a minute too soon. I'll be on my feet from 10 am until at least 7 pm, so that should work off some of the nastiness that I was forced to take in today. My last weigh in yesterday was at 126.5. I'm still a cow at that weight, and I'm sure I'm up from that considerably.

Part of me wishes I didn't care so much about my weight and my size. I wish I could be normal and not care. But then part of me thinks of what I would be like if that were the case and it makes me sick. This back and forth thing in my head is going to be the death of me. It keeps me locked up inside myself so alone... Even when I'm with someone I'm alone. I don't have much of anything in common with anyone I meet. I can't seem to connect. I'm alone in my head and it seems that no one on the outside can understand me.

I fear that I am doomed to be disgusting, heartbroken, and alone the rest of my life..... :-/

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"I don't care how much it hurts I've got to have control!
I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul!"

I am a cow. And it's killing me. The hunger pains are nothing compaired to looking at myself. Feeling my nastiness move as I walk. I cannot believe I've let myself get to this point! I've got to stop looking to other people and look only inside myself. I have random access to a computer and I know no one who thinks like me. At least not in person. So while I'm away from my computer, I am alone. Only me and the thoughts in my head. And that's all it's going to take to get out of the wrong frame of mind. I have been letting fat win, but not anymore. Good luck with your goals, ladies. I hope you're all doing well!

SS & TT

- Em

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels!"

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